Mark
Whenever we get hurt, the injury heals with time but it always leaves a mark behind. Ever wondered why? It is a reminder of the fact that we had advertly or otherwise committed a mistake & resultantly got injured. Its human to error, its also human to learn & move on.
I had heard many instances where people had hurt themselves, even tried & actually committed suicide because of some emotional turmoil. Always retorted, 'these are faint hearted people. Weaklings! Ought to be strong both mentally & emotionally.' Ha! you never know until you actually experience it. Then lightening struck.......!
Let me take you down my memory lane. This was the time when I had just got into Amity. We were a a gang of four fellows. Oh boy! did we have the most awesome of times. Bakaiti at its ultimate best. Had lots of fun, fullto masti. But we felt that there was something missing. An all guys group. Not even a single girl. Got to do something about it ..............& we did.
So there was a fifth member added to the group. Here was the starting of all the troubles. What we thought would reduce our problems actually elevated them. We never contemplated that it would open
the Pandora's box. Being the only girl in all single guys group she remained the centre of attention. She was enjoying every moment of it & why not. Admit that we pampered her a lot. As time went by, two of us got engaged which left two suitors for her. I never thought it could happen to me. The smart lady used, scrapped & threw me in waste can. It hurt man, really bad.
I have no intention to bad mouth or accuse her, for I let myself be used. But I have no regrets either. It was typical hindi movie type drama that happened, when I look back at it now give a big laugh to it. Taught me a big lesson.
Value yourself. Don't let anyone over ride your life.
That was then & now. It just seemed history was repeating itself in the most crudest of fashions. I loved this girl man, still do. But does she? For a while I really felt she did. Then again it was too good to be true. All I heard from her, 'I am busy with this, that & what not.' Nothing wrong in being passionate about your work. But if someone is a part of your life, you cannot ignore them completely. Trust me if you love someone, you are never too busy.
Even if it be for a minute, talking with your loved one should make your day. Believe me it happened that way. But then it felt as if I was literally forcing myself . She didn't need me, didn't feel the urge to talk to me. The relationship was drag, an extra baggage. Honest, deep down inside I did feel, 'yes...! this is it.' But guess it was just wishful thinking! Then came like worst phase ever. Lost my car, my cell phone, touch with my girl & even myself. Now this was treading on a dangerous path, walking on the edge. You bound to fall; anytime.
Losing soo many things does make me feel light. Though, technically can you lose a thing which you never really had? Just want to concentrate on achieving my end. Then I will make a new start, because
it never ends. What you think is the end, is only a bend.
For ever
Now this syndrome has been haunting me for the last couple of years. Ever since I realised the purpose of my life, have been striving hard to achieve it. But some how it eludes me. Everyone tells me, 'dude take it easy. Relax! It will take time.' Realise the fact that its a long drawn process but unless I tread my way towards it, just won't go off my mind.
Many a times find myself aloof from the rest of the world, contemplating my future. Keep wondering how to turn my dreams to reality. Where ever I go, whatever I do just keep sniffing for some opportunity. Sounds kind of crazy isn't it? What would really solve my purpose, is converting them into something concrete. Just making plans is not suffice, need to put them into action & that to successfully.
But all of it takes time, an awful lot of it. Want to turn things around head on & for that need to get a strong foothold first. It gets frustrating at times espacially if things don't go as you want them to. My behavoiur has become very erratic of late. Its kind of turn-on & turn-off. When things don't go my way, I feel miserable. But when I make some inroads, life seems good.
I am at a crucial juncture in life. Where I move on from here would determine my fate. In this hustle-bustle of life, many a times there is a need for someone. Who is dear to you, makes you feel special, to whom you can vent out your feelings, her smile would put off all your worries to the back burner. Hmm........! Wouldn't it make life so much easier. Having the support of your beloved can help you surge ahead on your path.
What do you know, I almost had it. I had umpteen number of crushes before but never sustained interest in a girl for long. After a while the same hot & sexy babe became dull & boring, time to move on buddy. But this was a first for sure. Simply have no clue what glued me towards her for hours & hours together. Would dream about her all the time, even without having to close my eyes. Just couldn't get enough of her, I reckon.
Slam....... came a rude shock that woke me from my slumber. It all turned out to be mirage. Well can't blame anyone but myself for the precarious position. Not all is under your control. Didn't even realize that I started loving the girl more than even myself. Thats perhaps is my own fallibility. But thank GOD, snapped out of my reverie just in time.
For if you love someone more than yourself, you also give them the power to hurt you. Their sheer ignorance, presence, absence....all have a bearing on you. It seems she didnt feel a thing & I am not one of those to keep waiting & cribbing. Have goals to kick, obstacles to climb & perhaps more girls to be crushed by.....! :-)
Norm
'Patience is the key to success', they say. But what they forget that, 'to be successful you have to be impatient'. (now that's an original piece of work)
Now you may say that the guy has moulded the phrase to suit his requirements. Yaah! exactly that's what I have done. There are innumerable preachings that have been passed on since donkey's years generation after generations. Some of us still follow them religiously. Nothing wrong in that. Seems perfectly fine.
I beg to differ. Why should I follow something just because it has preached by a so called 'stalwart'. I am no rebel neither am I a self proclaimed protagonist. One thing I have learnt & learnt well, is to question. There is ought to be a reasonable explaination, logic, sensability that emerges out of a talk. Giving fundas is the most easiest thing but the ground reality isn't that rosy.
I have nothing against these beautiful & well framed sentences that sound amazing. Trust me they are more than just words, they represent collective wisdom of our ancestors. What haunts me really is blind application of any logic. There is nothing which is just black or white. Even their combination yields grey. One needs to apply this knowledge with prudence. Go ahead mould & adapt these learnings & come out with something that fits your need set. Find out what works best for you. Then my friend you will be truly enlightened.
Today I am just a novice. Even if speak something really great probably no one will pay any heed to it. But the same thing comes out of a Rahul Bajaj or a Ambani, it will hold water. Reason is simple. These people have proved their worth. They haven't just blabed, they have performed & more importantly outperformed. Some day I would like to achieve that zenith in my life. Then I would...........(reveal it but not now). Thats the dream I nurture.
Out of the woods
Phew! Its been more than a week since the blogsite was blocked. Why was it done that is a different story all together. But does it feel great to be back or what? Blogging had become almost like a second nature to me. Not being able to view my blog made feel that there was a part of me that just went missing.
So what happened during the intervening period? This week has seen a lot of upheavels in my life. The best part about it is that unlike your wife, life never remains the same. It evolves as it unfolds. God forbid if would stagnated, you are doomed for sure. Wondering what happened in this short duration that I am going gaga about!
Hmm!Patience fellows patience. Let me first ascribe it as a blessing in disguise & its not without a reason that I make this comment. Happens to the best of people, inadvertly someone or something becomes a part of your life. You won't even realise it but without it you feel scrappy. You long for it all the time, if its not there life suddenly becomes meaningless & hollow.
For me, it was the my love. Everything seemed right but its another thing that nothing went right. It all began with some friendly harmless flirting. Spending hours together just blabing & chatting away. Soon realised that had a spark for her. Happens to me all the time, this time unlike ever it flickered my heart, ignited my passion & before I realised
I was in love.
My next endevour to make her feel that special as she is. Did that & in style. Got a start but it didnt take off. Not the kind of begining I had hoped for. Then not everything in under our control. She has her own priorities in life, understandable. What I fail to comprehend is where do I stand on that list if at all I do? What is my standing in her life. Does she really value & treasure me the same way as I do?
Under normal circumstances I would have cared a dam, & moved on. But buddy this time it not another but THE girl for me. We both are at very crucial junctures in life. 'We' & not 'I' have the onus of shaping this relationship. We can make it or you break it. Sometimes it just feels that its more lopsided. Dangerous sign. Need to balance it out & quickly.
After a lot of introspection, infighting & mental focus, finally magaed to turn things around. To put it simply I found my direction, revamped my priorities & now I am all set to sail. Still can't believe it that I had almost begun to love someone more than my life. Had I not pulled myself in time, it would have spelt dooms day for me.
As I look back, spending wee hours in the night just to get a glimpse of her. Waiting endlessly for talking to her. It seemed all worth it. But if she doesn't value it, I don't value her. Nothing is indispensable, life moves on & so should you.
dizzy
Thats the word to describe my condition as of now. I have been under the siege of a virus infection leading to fever for almost a week now. But somehow thats not the only reason I feel so strange. Yes its very abnoxious kind of a feeling that I have. Its one thing to be in a bad state of health but to be in such a sombre state of mind, there has to something terribly wrong. Well, it is.
Its just that phase where irrespective of what do, it all seems to go wrong for you. On the face of it you are joyful but deep down inside there is something that makes you feel hollow. You can fake it t o the world but not yourself.
I am a dreamer, but just don't want to spend rest of my life planning to achieve my goals. Its time to work towards achieving those goals. But more I try & strive towards them, the further they seem to subside. 'Frustrated', thats what I am. You may have all the potential in this world but unless you are able to perform its of no dam use.
Even the slightest of success that comes my way turns out to be a mirage. Failures don't daunt me but the lack of success does. Unless I get on to the desired path which I know is going to take me to my destination, I would remain quirky & miserable.
This is my life & no one but me would determine its course. No one would dictate terms to me. I have fought my way through bad times, no reason why I can't do it again, with or without anyone.
Vendetta
Rapiers wielded, swords drawn, guns out…………..ready for action....... slam dam doom. What is this I am referring to? Is it some kind of a medieval war time story? No my friend this is a battle I fought in the past few days with myself, slogging versus all elements, wagging against all odds. It was not fought with daggers & shields, though the weapons may be different but that does not undermine the significance of the struggle. It was the most intense & keenly contested battle of my life.
By this time you must be wondering what this guy is really up to. Having used a lot of similes & metaphors to make my point, I would now talk straight.
Just when you think you have seen it all, life props a new surprise which leaves you aghast. That’s the beauty of it; you never know what may hit you. I am not saying for the sake of sounding philosophical but I mean it from the core of my heart.
I never thought there could actually be someone whom I could love & care more than myself (other than family of course). But when I did; my whole world turned upside down. My priorities in life changed. Slowly but surely she became an integral part of my life. It was a combination of whole lot things.
But then came, the big dampener. One can go on & make as many plans as he wants, but they are all in vain until they are put into practice. For my dreams to come alive I need the presence & approval of my loved one. It would be catastrophic if I make presumptions which go the backburner by her disapproval. We have to be
together in what ever decision we make.
I am not the one to beat around the bush, so I came straight. When you are stuck in the middle; perhaps that is the worse situation to be in. But she wouldn’t relent. Further more I got confusing signals from her. She would treat me like a king on a day & on others make feel pedestrian. Where was this heading to, I had no clue. If there is something that I can’t stand is ambiguity.
With a confused & uncertin frame of mind I set forth to Mumbai. The first day, I was greeted with the news of me being posted in not only the division of my choice but also the region, Mumbai. At this point in time I was baffled. Should I rejoice, celebrate party along or should I wonder why the company granted all my requests. Why should I return back & for whom? Lived all my life under the shadow of parents, now it is high time grow out & carve your own niche.
Could I let logic & rationality be overtaken by emotions? Being literally torn apart I was at loggerheads with myself. At this juncture I had to make decision & fast. The only way out it seemed was self introspection. I closed my eyes & contemplated the outcome. When I opened them it was clear as to what should be my further course of action.
A meeting was scheduled for the Friday morning to freeze the final posting, the result of which was I boarded the next flight to New Delhi. Wondering what I saw that enabled me to take my decision. As I closed my eyes I thought of & saw a lot of people. My best pals, freinds, family etc. People who had in some or the other way or the other influenced me. They were the ones who mattered to me.
But there was one among the host of people who mattered the most, it was her. I relived the moments spent with her, with her fragrance still enchanting me. Her vivacious smile, witty remarks, tone of her voice....as if it all came alive. Didn't had to think twice before concluding:
I needed to be with her for sure.
