envisage
It’s been a while since I wrote my last blog. There actually was nothing much to write home about. Kept wondering what was holding me back, simply realised its nothing but me, myself. Needed to break the shackles, these self imposed bondages & once again fly in the open sky as I am destined to. I looked for happiness outside when all I had to do is look within. Yup! she determined my life, without even being my wife. (cool line ha!)
I refuse to be a puppet in anyone's hands. How dare she treat me with such disdain? Just because I loved her, does it give her right to treat me like that? 'You claim you love this girl, yet you are unmindful of her passions', she said.What about me, what about us dear. You fail to look beyond yourself. Do you even care of what I think, what my passions, my dreams are. Why is it all about you, never us. Just because it’s me who has the feelings, so the burden of understanding is my exclusive domain. Bull shit! If you love someone, don't you want the other person to love you back. How long can you just go on hoping she would realise it & more importantly value your feelings.
Yet each time she came, I let her scrape through. But I had enough. Seriously man its not worth it. For the last so many days (seems eternity to me) I have been trying to convince her of my love. Make her feel special, make her feel loved.
But my friend she didn’t ask for it. You did it out of your free will.
All I get, she has a pressing work, some project to do, she has some other plans.
Clearly she is not interested.
Then why not say it aloud than to just mince with words. Slap me in the open, I don’t mind. But don't fool around me. If she thinks poor guy he would be heart broken, well if you haven't noticed my heart is not exactly pumping with joy even now.
Girls enjoy attention, especially this one. Who doesn't? Having plenty of guys to pamper you, telling you that they are crazy about you. All seems good na! There are so many of them. Its a difficult choice, kisko chodo , kisko nahi.
So........!
Simple, take them all. Why leave anyone voluntarily. Agar koi chala bhi gaya, big deal. There are plenty more'
Well there you go, who wouldn't like the limelight & then when you have so many of them, why care about a guy hell bent on making you special.
'Well dude I am special. Whats so special about you?'
'My love for you'
Perhaps thats the most absurd answer you would ever hear. Keep on blowing ' love you, love you' ka trumpet & what did get out of it man. Zilch, zero. If you got anything, it would be misery, pain. You waited her all this while & in vain.
Here my friend you are wrong. Pyar hota nahi, ho jata hai. Love is not a promotional offer that comes with conditions attached. Neither its a barter for equal exchange. I would be lying if I say that I didn't expect her to be with me. But that doesn't change anything. I am no saint, so can't say that my happiness is in her joy. The situation seems like the two banks of a river, so near & yet so far. Whatever happens, happens for the best. Aab isme kya achai hai, don't know, only time will tell. But a burden is off me.
In all this ho- halla, learnt an important lesson. True love is scarce. Rarely do you find a person who would love you for what you are. If & when that happens:
don't wait, for its love
& love is forever mate.
The place
The day I joined Amity still remains afresh in my mind. It was a turning point in my life for sure. Little did I realise that it would make a lasting impression on the things to follow.
'Be there at 9:00 AM sharp, wear formal clothes with an Amity tie.' roared the professor.
Aab yeh kya bala hai. Dekhi jayege kal, I thought. Next thing I know I was attending accounts lectures learning the basics once again. Since I was a late joinee, found myself an alien amongust a host of unfamiliar faces. Suddenly the lecturer asked for a volunteer to solve a problem. That marked the first change in me. I was up & running. Challenges no longer bemused me, rather they excited me to perform.
I had finally dropped the tag of being a introvert, scared to be out in open amongust strangers. There are a number of instances where my ressolve to evolve myself grew stronger. Started to l question, without caring about what others thought. No longer was I shy to speak in public.
Another first for me. For once I was counted amoungust the brightest students in the class. When I told my father that the students actually dubbed me as 'intelligent', he was in raptures.
'You must be kidding' but I wasn't. People would come & compliment me on the perspective that I brought up during discussions. Made me feel good, yes confidence brings in success & success enhances your confidence.
There was no looking back for me thereafter. Admit that I went overboard at times, but learnt from the mistakes & moved on. Yes that's the mantra, don't let anything stop you. Even if you achieve your goal, the journey doesn't stop. Identify a new target & strive for it.
Whatever I am today, Amity has a huge role in helping me identifying who & what I am. This is one place which will remain close to my heart for ever. Here I have met my best pals, made upteen number of friends, spent the most evenful years of my life & perhaps performed the best academically. (try explaining to my parents how I excelled without studying).
Its a rage that would remain imprinted in my mind for ever & ever.
Rude
No, thats not me being refered to. For a change its someone else.
Life mein chance to lena hi padta hai. Par yaar ek baat batao why does it happen to me?Don't say it without a reason.
5 August, 2006. Saturday
Exhibition in Pragati Maidan. I had made up my mind long ago to visit this trade fair come what may. So on the designated time & date I was there. So whats great about it? Hai bhai, just hold on.
There are many people required for the co-ordination work at the entrance, stalls etc. This job is usually entrusted to college students, more specifically girls. Now some of them are real hotties. As I was making my way in, some of the volunteers were standing beside me. Boss there was one real hot babe. What's there to think,
maro chance! Politely I went up to her & made a few queries. The fact is who was listening to her answers, I was mezmerised by her charm (as usual). One thing led to another & we hit off quite well. We were just chatting, it seemed only a while but her friends cut us short.
'Nice meeting you', she said; while her mates were pulling her away. Don't know what went into me, I shot back 'Hey! Save it for after we had lunch.' She didn't say anything to that. Just gigled away. I just patted my head & went off smiling.
There were a lot many exhibiotors who had come from far & wide to put up their stalls & display their stuff. It was nice, mean okay but my mind was some where else. I am back man, its nice to flirt again. Not lost my touch have I. Ha ha! still have it.
It was about 2:00 when I made my way out, at the exit gate saw her standing there, all alone. 'Sorry to keep you waiting', I chipped. 'Lets go', she just smiled & came along. Since she was to return to the exhibition after lunch we decided not to go out, instead we went to a resturant in Pragti Maidan itself.
It was nice not exactly a very cozy setting for the two of us but good enough. The girl was very sweet not only to look (not tasted her literally though) but also to talk to. Very unusual for pretty girls, not a bimbette at all. We had an amazing time together so much so that we ended up spending the whole evening together. A moment ago we were strangers, now I was dating this girl. Too fast man. It takes a hell lot longer for me to ask a girl out.
Anyways there is always a first time, I retorted. When you are in good company times flies past soo fast. Before we knew it was time to leave. As we were walking out, I was contemplating if it was just a one off incident or it could actually meant something. Suddenly she broke my chain of thoughts.
She was waving out to someone. A bike vroomed past me & stopped beside her. Guess what? No it was not her brother. Laugh out loudly to that. Yes dears & dearies you are right. She got on to the bike & said good bye. Her smile at that time had a evilish tone.
I knew mera phir kat gaya tha. Yaar ek baat batao mere shakal pe lekha hai ki iski maro. Am I a scape goat for women? No offence meant but do girls have penchant to ditch me big time. Par jo bhi kaho, it was one heck of an experience. Maza bahut aaya. Its incidents like these that spice up the usual life & make it more eventfull.
PuRpOsE
ME:
Aray bhai, kuch bhi awai nahi hota. There is some reason, some logic, a purpose behind it.
Myself:
Aacha ji aisa hota hai. Buddy what about the instances which are incomprehensive, they just happen, keep gasping
aisa kyun hota hai. But there is nothing you can purport. No rational can be attributed to it. Bas ho jata hai.
ME: Okay! Elaborate more on that.
Myself:Hmm..! Theek hai, very well. You know me, how I am, instinctive & bindass.
ME:
Haan! Woh to tu hai. Myself: Would you agree that I speak straight from the heart.
ME: Rite, with you on that. But what's the point you wanna drive home?
Myself: You know how does it feel to be in love?
ME: What.........? Sorry boss but fail to understand the connection.
Myself: You would & soon. Answer me first.
ME: I would have to say, you ought to experience it to know how it feels. Its actually not possible to express it verbally. The joy, the ecstasy you feel when she is around sends you into raptures. Its a bliss, completely out of this world.
Myself: Now can you explain why does it happen?
ME: Love.
Myself: Now you are talking.
Picture this. Like any other day in the college, I was sitting around with some mates doing my stuff. Get a call, she needs a scientific calculator. Urgent boss, has a mid-term to give.
Hey tere pas calci hai kya, ask my freinds.
Abay de na.Call her up,
'haan! mil gaya. Where are you? No one in your class. Accha! CRC kay bahar. OK main aata hoon.' After that........
Are you fine?
Yaah.
Did you realize what you do just now.
What?
You went berserk. Imagine a lazy & laid back guy as yourself, catching hold of a calculator, climbing downstairs, then calling up & then again rushing all the way to CRC. Was it just a curtsey call.
Yaah! She is a freind.
Oh really. Don't fool yourself. For how many friends do you rush like crazy. Admit it, you love this girl.
Bull shit man. She had a exam, just being chivalrous.
Thats what you say.
This was the first realisation of the fact that I loved her.
There have been a series of events after this.
I spoke my heart out.
Broke my heart loud!
Dreamt of her all night,
Tried to move on with all might.
But still find myself here,
Where she seems everywhere.
In the end. What happened, what did it all lead to? WhAt PuRpOsE DiD It SeRvE???????????
When I was slogging it out, battling for dear life; she was not there. Kept hoping aganist hope but of no avail. She wasn't there for me when I needed her the most.
You have to fight your battles alone. Why are you cribbing boss?
Why can't I just forget her & move on in life? I mean if she is not interested then why should I care? But I do. Dam its so frustrating!
All rite! I love her. But surely can't let her undermine my self respect. She has her own priorities & I have my dreams to pursue.
For the first time I loved a girl from the core of my heart &.........
Don't have any regrets, tried, gave it shot. I may have failed in my endeavour to make her feel loved but atleast she taught me the true meaning of love.
